Unsettled

So, I'm just feeling a little unsettled today. I don't know if it's just the dreams I had that tweaked my mainstream mood, or what. I don't even remember quite what I dreamed. I remember a little bit of anger, but that's all. Now I feel...hm. I would really love to go to the gym and just work it all out, but now that I'm pregnant, my body won't extend the energy I need. So with that out of the picture, I'm sitting in my living room, with my husband still sound asleep this morning, thinking. I have a few options of things to do. The right thing to do would be to clean clean clean. But I've been cleaning and organizing for weeks and I kind of want a break. So then I have a few more options. I could try to write some more of my book (which works better when Lito's not home). He might be going to the library later on today. I have a huge collage picture frame hanging on my wall....with no pictures in it. It's okay, it's only been 3 years. I could play Fallout 3, which is fun for a little while but then I find myself sucked into some strange virtual addiction world that steals my time. I could read some more of The Pretties by Scott Westerfeld. Eh. I need to catch up on writing in my pregnancy journal (but that feels like responsibility, and I'm really not in the mood...) I would love to not have the TV on at all today. That would be fantastic. In fact, if I could not have a TV at all, my quality of life would be better. Well, that's all of my ramblings for now I suppose. I hope I get rid of this awful feeling gnawing at my mind.

Without Consequence

I was just napping and came up with this crazy concept. What if I were to live as if there were no consequences? What kind of person would I become? Sometimes I feel trapped inside a world of rules. I govern my life to meet expectations of uninvolved onlookers. Why do I make decisions based on what is safest in order for other people to like me? Or moreover, why do I behave for the approval of someone else? They aren't living my life or it's consequences (positive or negative). This is my life, correct? Last I checked, anyhow. Now here is the invisible wall I've hit in the theoretical pursuit of my concept-Christianity. God created this little guidebook of "you probably shouldn't's" called the Bible. Now don't get me wrong, the Bible isn't something to be taken lightly, and is the most important book for any person to consider (seeing as the author is the entity that created you). However, I find that it is not reverence for this item that often leads us to steer clear of the "better not's", but rather a little demon known as fear. Logic can tell any of us that fear is not the proper motivation, but there it is. Perhaps some of us avoid the "don't even think about it's" because, I don't know, we know how to use our brains. But this is beside the point. The point is- life is no fun when you're hung up on rules and appearances. I've often justified my fear for staying inside my carefully built boundaries by branding them as a part of the war within. There's a piece of scripture in the Bible that I love because it confirms that I'm not insane. For that very reason I hate this verse because I seem to apply it as a force against anything Tiffany wants to do that's outside of the norm. It's found in Romans Chapter 7:21-25

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave of the law of sin."

Sounds like fun, eh?! See, I am both a "slave" to God's law and the sinful nature. You can see why I am so cautious with every minuscule decision I make. At what point is my sinful nature fighting for the drivers seat? Some scenarios are obvious, sure. But when you get right down to it, I don't know what's holding me back. I feel like I've suppressed all the bad with the good! Ask anyone who knows me as an acquaintance and I get the adjectives "Nice", "Quiet", "Sweet".... Ugh! Nothing wrong with those things, but I hear them and the word "BORING" echos violently through my head! Is that all I've become to people? I'm such the perfect little Proverbs 31 wife, right? The ultimate compliment for a perfect little gentle spirited "Christian" woman? I'd just like to throw out that that woman lived in 950-700 B.C. So, please? What does that even mean?

There is a fire that burns wildly inside of me that I've contained for the sake of "Christianity". Rubbish! It's for fear that I've been trapped. Thus, my concept without consequence can be put more honestly as "without fear". I want to let go, but how far can I let go? I'm not wanting to go burn down a house or anything. I'm not talking letting go of my sanity. I just want to let things out more. I want to be the me that I know in my head. The real me. It's not who people see everyday. It sooo much more interesting in there than anyone can imagine.

I have a friend who was sheltered all of her life. (These are her own words) She admits that the result of being sheltered has placed a need for independence and self discovery inside her. She also admits to searching for small ways to rebel. This is similar to how I've been feeling as of late. When I became a serious Christian, I also became an overprotective parent of my spirit. The rebellion inside of me grows stronger and stronger. I will not say that it is all evil and the sinful nature- because it's not.

You know, suppose the way I've been behaving has been more of a defense mechanism. Perhaps I am so terrified of being hurt, that I will not risk any part of my heart. When I am "quiet" and "nice" it's easy to not become a target for anyone. But it's also easy to become invisible. What's the saying? "Nothing ventured, nothing gained". If you bet a penny and win- you only get a penny. If you loose, you only loose a penny. "The greater the risk, the greater the reward". It's all there in front of me, now what to do with it? So say I screw up a few times- I'm human and I'll learn. But staying put could very well be the true sin.

Now if I could only overcome my fear and move forward....

I Love My Husband

I love my husband. Isn't that nice? But to be honest, love is not a sufficient word for him. There is a depth of emotion that exists well beyond my heart. It's planted itself deep within my spirit. It is a "love" that cannot exist without the generosity of time itself. I can no longer look at the word "love" as simply an emotion. Love creates itself when actions have preceded. A large part of the love result is a choice of commitment. This, I have learned, is taken for granted by many who have hurt and been hurt. A sustained emotion is a shallow purpose for any relationship. The muscle of "love" is strengthened every time you choose to work through your differences. It is strengthened when you choose to fight against the world's cheap idea of satisfaction. It is strengthened when it's not about you, but rather about lifting them up. Love is complicated. It involves pain. It involves patients. It involves denying yourself. It involves perspective. It involves focus. It involves an extreme amount of vulnerablility. You must be willing and prepared to be hurt, and then commited enough to heal, forgive, and do it all over again. But you know what!? What worth would love have without the fight? We long for something more valuable than a fleeting high. Something more tangible than our day to day accomplishments. It's love. It's love in it's fullest meaning. It's love in it's fiercest manner. Love isn't pretty, it's just. You'll get out of it what you put into it. It should no longer be taken as lightly as a hollow lust. Love should never be insulted with the accompaniment of lust. Love is to be respected, and in turn it will reward you with blessings that you could only describe as somthing beyond the capabilities of this world. That is tangible to the depths of our creation!
Be bold enough to seek out love. Love is always waiting for you to discover it's gift and blessings. Be strong and confident in commiting to someone in marriage. Be overjoyed when challenges come and you have a chance to give your love more meaning. Choose the struggles of love, and you will grow closer to God.
"And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."
1 John 4: 14-16
With that said, I love my husband.

Listen

Are you ever hungry to just sit and listen to the comforting drone of a good song? It happens to me quite often. It's almost a necessity when I fall into certain moods. It's a beautiful addiction and a deeply satisfying meal when I indulge myself. Right now it's Aqualung that's massaging my eardrums. But the reaction I have to the music runs past my ears into...well, into what? Is it my soul? How is it that listening to some good music causes deep down pleasure? It's almost tangible within me. There's nothing else happening right now. My husband is off enjoying time with some friends. It's about dusk here. All I need in the world right now is to sit and fall into a place where nothing matters but what I'm feeling. That feeling is peace. Watching the color of the day slip into a beautiful night. My heartbeat slows and seems to sync itself with the music. My breathing becomes a drowsy rhythm. I love his piano. Being alone has become a blessing for now. I don't need to think about much. I can forget where I am and who I am- not that I don't like these things. My eyes are becoming heavy but lighter at the same time. I want to close them, not to rest them, but believing I'll see more this way. I love this pocket of time. I just wanted to share it. I hope that you take time to have moments like these to center youself in the middle of routine. Allow yourself to tap into that romantic artistic side of your soul , even if for a moment. Don't bury it with the world's distracting business.