I was just napping and came up with this crazy concept. What if I were to live as if there were no consequences? What kind of person would I become? Sometimes I feel trapped inside a world of rules. I govern my life to meet expectations of uninvolved onlookers. Why do I make decisions based on what is safest in order for other people to like me? Or moreover, why do I behave for the approval of someone else? They aren't living my life or it's consequences (positive or negative). This is my life, correct? Last I checked, anyhow. Now here is the invisible wall I've hit in the theoretical pursuit of my concept-Christianity. God created this little guidebook of "you probably shouldn't's" called the Bible. Now don't get me wrong, the Bible isn't something to be taken lightly, and is the most important book for any person to consider (seeing as the author is the entity that created you). However, I find that it is not reverence for this item that often leads us to steer clear of the "better not's", but rather a little demon known as fear. Logic can tell any of us that fear is not the proper motivation, but there it is. Perhaps some of us avoid the "don't even think about it's" because, I don't know, we know how to use our brains. But this is beside the point. The point is- life is no fun when you're hung up on rules and appearances. I've often justified my fear for staying inside my carefully built boundaries by branding them as a part of the war within. There's a piece of scripture in the Bible that I love because it confirms that I'm not insane. For that very reason I hate this verse because I seem to apply it as a force against anything Tiffany wants to do that's outside of the norm. It's found in Romans Chapter 7:21-25
"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave of the law of sin."
Sounds like fun, eh?! See, I am both a "slave" to God's law and the sinful nature. You can see why I am so cautious with every minuscule decision I make. At what point is my sinful nature fighting for the drivers seat? Some scenarios are obvious, sure. But when you get right down to it, I don't know what's holding me back. I feel like I've suppressed all the bad with the good! Ask anyone who knows me as an acquaintance and I get the adjectives "Nice", "Quiet", "Sweet".... Ugh! Nothing wrong with those things, but I hear them and the word "BORING" echos violently through my head! Is that all I've become to people? I'm such the perfect little Proverbs 31 wife, right? The ultimate compliment for a perfect little gentle spirited "Christian" woman? I'd just like to throw out that that woman lived in 950-700 B.C. So, please? What does that even mean?
There is a fire that burns wildly inside of me that I've contained for the sake of "Christianity". Rubbish! It's for fear that I've been trapped. Thus, my concept without consequence can be put more honestly as "without fear". I want to let go, but how far can I let go? I'm not wanting to go burn down a house or anything. I'm not talking letting go of my sanity. I just want to let things out more. I want to be the me that I know in my head. The real me. It's not who people see everyday. It sooo much more interesting in there than anyone can imagine.
I have a friend who was sheltered all of her life. (These are her own words) She admits that the result of being sheltered has placed a need for independence and self discovery inside her. She also admits to searching for small ways to rebel. This is similar to how I've been feeling as of late. When I became a serious Christian, I also became an overprotective parent of my spirit. The rebellion inside of me grows stronger and stronger. I will not say that it is all evil and the sinful nature- because it's not.
You know, suppose the way I've been behaving has been more of a defense mechanism. Perhaps I am so terrified of being hurt, that I will not risk any part of my heart. When I am "quiet" and "nice" it's easy to not become a target for anyone. But it's also easy to become invisible. What's the saying? "Nothing ventured, nothing gained". If you bet a penny and win- you only get a penny. If you loose, you only loose a penny. "The greater the risk, the greater the reward". It's all there in front of me, now what to do with it? So say I screw up a few times- I'm human and I'll learn. But staying put could very well be the true sin.
Now if I could only overcome my fear and move forward....
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2 comments:
You know, I think the churches we "grow up" in have a lot to do with this rebellion. They place more emphasis on the appearance of Christianity instead of on the hearts of the people. At least that is how it was where I first attended church and began to grow spiritually. The bible says we rebel when someone is trying to control us. Changes should come as a result of a heart change not a self-discipline change.
oh and that Proverbs 31 woman... yeah she never lived. She was the figment of a hopeful mother's imagination. Those verses were her prayer for her son's future wife. It is not a blueprint for the Christian woman. They pursuit of Proverbs 31 should be the pursuit of Jesus Christ then he will give you the blueprint for your life.
I happen to think you are very interesting. You speak your mind and I like that. I'll be back to visit! :)
So I came across this blog a few days back but haven’t had to opportunity to respond. I think you pose some great questions that stand on their own as questions and may not need or deserve answers, but I figured I’d add my two cents anyways.
To begin, I can relate to your understanding of the Bible as a book of “you probably shouldn’ts.” However, I’d like to suggest that this interpretation derives from a particular brand of Christian faith, particularly Protestantism, and even more particularly Evangelicalism. Its seems to me that this perspective on faith tells me that, to properly appreciate or interpret something transcendent and beautiful as a radiant sun dipping below the horizon the ocean, I need to hold a Bible in front of my face. That’s just an example but I hope you get where I’m coming from. This perspective informs us that people of faith need to have their vision mediated and even controlled. Therefore, artists have no ground to stand on. If you want proof of this fact, look at the art that has arisen from the Protestant world in some 500 years: it is almost entirely lacking. In fact, plenty of Protestants actively worked to destroy the collected artwork of a thousand years. They were called iconoclasts, and they’re still around today, though the title is lacking.
What I’m trying to say is that while so many church leaders and people of faith today are trying to confine our vision to something narrow, my reading of the Bible leads me again and again to the clear fact that Jesus was all about broadening vision, forcing people out of comfortable preconceptions and challenging the status quo. Maybe religious folks have gotten too caught up with the divinity of Jesus and missed the fuller human potential his life opens to us through his humanity. I believe that if the people who follow Jesus find their flames extinguished, they’re following the wrong Jesus. People on “the Way,” if they truly want to imitate Christ, should be far more provocative, more creative, more open to the “Other” and susceptible to God’s reality in all its manifestations. If not freedom to explore, create, challenge and even fail miserably, someone please explain what all this talk about “freedom in Christ” means.
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